Thoughts · Traditional Values

It’s Not Harmless Chit-chat: Zip It About Your SO!

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This is one piece of advice you hear often:

If you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say it.

This is one piece of advice you don’t hear often:

If you don’t have something nice to say about your partner or husband, then don’t say it!

Which is my point, exactly.

Simply because it seems to be a completely normal thing to do, your friends do it, your family members do it, every woman does it on every sitcom or movie. Poke fun at their boyfriend or husband, no matter what age the couple is, married or not.

My husband is going bald, haha!
My boyfriend’s just hopeless at math, you know that? Haha!
My partner’s starting to develop love handles, gross, haha!

I think I’ve heard all of these at some point or another from different social circles and the worst thing is? It’s like a ‘fitting-in’ joke. One woman starts it, then another does, then another, until everyone has had their turn! You think I’m just going on about women? Men do it too, to their wives and girlfriends, which is just as much a shame.

A very light joke, a metaphor or analogy that doesn’t really refer to a quality of your SO’s is fine, though divulging actual facts that paint them in a bad light is just poor taste. It is blatant disrespect of your partner. Some of you who have read my previous posts know that I have deliberately added that as a point as one of the five tenets that I’ve promised to myself at the start of my relationship with my SO.

It’s just something I’ve always put together, when I’ve thought about it. When you’re telling people about how horrible or pathetic your SO is, you are also telling them in the same breath, that you are even more horrible and pathetic for choosing such a person as your partner.

Recently, I also found out that a great thinker and clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson had said the same thing! He is a lot more knowledgeable and experienced than I am.

“All you’re doing is holding up a sign and waving it constantly that says, ‘I’m an idiot! I’m an idiot!’”

Even just beyond making comments and jokes about their physical appearance, it’s even worse when you make comments about the negative aspects of their personality. Everyone has a negative aspect or flaw, otherwise we would all be perfect and inhuman. Why air out your dirty laundry? That old saying definitely rings true until now.

Praise your partner and your healthy relationship, it’s not as ‘funny’ but it is your responsibility as partners to support and build each other up. If your relationship is so terrible, then work things out. No one else needs to know about it as a bad joke or off-comment.

Recently, a family friend of mine was married and now, I hear that his wife is already criticising him to all her friends as a funny, ‘bonding’ topic. It’s just disgusting, as they are still technically newlyweds! How are you supposed to have a lasting marriage when you don’t even have the basic foundations such as respect? In all earnest, I hope they stay happily married together for a long time, though they are already fighting. The marriage bed hasn’t even been made yet, so to say.

I really hope they would be both happy.

Since it really is hard for happiness and love to thrive when respect is nowhere in sight. 

One thought on “It’s Not Harmless Chit-chat: Zip It About Your SO!

  1. I will forever say that “never saying anything negative about your spouse- either to them, or to the closest friends and family” is a damning bit of advice we should do away with… But there’s a difference between venting to friends when things get too frustrating to handle at the current moment – and being open with your spouse about what annoys or bothers you- and what you describe here.

    The first two are cathartic. Venting helps you work through your emotions, figure out how to correctly express those emotions to others, and solicit advice from people who may have been in that circumstance before. Being open and honest about your spouse’s faults and what they do that annoys or upsets you (no matter how “small”) goes a long way to maintaining open, honest communication with your spouse and fixing those problems. Though this is only true when these two actions are done correctly and towards the purpose of actually fixing things. Not laying blame or tearing down your spouse.

    What you describe, though, is neither of those things and I refuse to participate in these sort of games; my Husband may be balding indeed, but why make fun of him for something genetically out of his control? Why make fun of him for anything? Why be negative about him and tear him down like that? I wouldn’t like to find out that he was telling his friends that I’d gotten fat- and then laughing about it with them as a joke. So why should I feel ok with doing that with my friends? Ultimately it’s hypocritical, it’s immature and juvenile, it’s disrespectful, and it’s abhorrent behavior- and it makes me so incredibly angry that women and men alike think it’s acceptable to [participate in.

    Like

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