Thoughts · Traditional Values

D is for Don’t, D is for Divorce: Nasty, Horrible And Often Unnecessary

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Oh yes, I’m a child of divorced parents.

Oh no, I’m not religious at all.

As I do not like the idea of single parenting, one of the main reasons that it resulted from is the fact that I am just not for divorce.

Let me clarify: No-Fault Divorce.

That thing from the seventies definitely tore many families apart and still continues to do so today. Especially when it comes to families where there already is children, it’s just cruel if it’s unnecessary in the first place.

Fault Divorce? Of course! Sometimes a marriage must be dissolved because of infidelity, violence and lack of responsibilities that have no hope for change. Those are all perfectly acceptable reasons for a divorce since staying married or staying with the particular partner will actually harm the family and the children, sometimes physically. That is nonnegotiable and children should not be subjected to a marriage like that as they will be exposed to danger and at the very least, horrible examples of parenthood.

Yet, more often than not, divorces stem from simple disagreements or as the phrase I often hear from celeb magazines are ‘irreconcilable differences’. To put it simply: mommy and daddy can’t get along so they will just part ways.

There is a reason why marriage exists and it is a good reason in itself- it’s meant to put two people together who love each other and mould their lives into one, so they are forever stuck with each other and have to work out their differences and the hardships they encounter together. With no way out as the only choice is for them to work hard to cooperate with one another, which of course needs understanding, trust, and respect. You develop these values the longer you work together as man and wife, as a married couple (I can go on and on about this all day, however I think clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson explains it better here).

Divorce robs children of the opportunity to have a balanced experience of parenthood, since they are subjected to live with single mothers and fathers. That or mum and dad are playing part time day care as they jump from house to house. When children see mum and dad working hard to understand and cooperate with each other, they learn about resilience and compromise, great values that they can take with them through their whole lives. I definitely did not see that myself very much with my own parents, which is a shame.

So how do you minimise the chances of divorce from the very beginning?

Pick a good partner to be your spouse, that’s the key. While no one can be completely perfectly sure, there are general measures to take such as vetting (to make sure there’s no red flags), having sufficient time together and discussing your ideas of relationships, roles and marriage to see if they match thoroughly. You know a couple is a good one if they can talk about how their lives will blend as one, later down in their relationship, with clear detail and everything having its place. Even when it comes to the time that there will be children. That’s the only way to be sure, though sadly many people don’t do these things often at all.

They just marry for ‘love’ or because they’ve been together long enough and ‘why not’.

Yes, why not just ruin your lives and your future children’s lives?

8 thoughts on “D is for Don’t, D is for Divorce: Nasty, Horrible And Often Unnecessary

  1. I want to applaud the line of “Pick a good partner to be your spouse”. I can’t say how many times I’ve seen couples get married because of love without rationally thinking about compatibility and trust.- only to watch their Marriages fall apart within the year. It’s ridiculous to me; love is not the only component necessary for a lasting, healthy relationship and we need more people to realize that.

    That being said, I disagree with you on the subject of No-Fault Divorces. No-Fault Divorce should be a last resort only thought about when all else fails, true. But from personal experience I vehemently believe in them and their continued availability- as well as continuing to work to reduce the social stigma surrounding them.

    My Mother was manipulative and verbally / emotionally abusive to all of us in regular measures and it created an intensely hostile environment for my Sister, Father, and I that still negatively impacts me today. Having been forced to grow up in an environment with Parents constantly fighting like that, and being used as emotional leverage within an intact marriage, I can say that it is just as emotionally damaging to a Child as a violent Divorces and Single Parenthood are. I genuinely believe that a divorce would have been better for all of us… But in order for my Parents to get divorced it would have to be a No-Fault divorce for “Irreconcilable Differences”.

    And as a society we look down on Divorce in general, but no-Fault Divorce often gets the unfair brunt of that derision; we think that because (predominately physical) spousal or child abuse, infidelity, or other things aren’t happening, then any problems can be solved by “just seeing a marriage counselor and work through it like adults”. And for some that might legitimately work, but for many of them that isn’t the reality; sometimes a Divorce genuinely is the safest, healthiest option for a family- and sometimes a relationship is still hostile, toxic, and abusive without actually qualifying for a Divorce of Fault. Having that resource (and the social encouragement to use it) is important.

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    1. Thank you for having a read, I think that is the best way to prevent a divorce, which is also the area I think most people forget, it just isn’t taught, even when it is so important.

      For me, I see what you mean, though I think the Fault Divorces should be explored more, given more categories, so people will be more willing to work under that label and divorces can be sorted out more openly. I just do not think No Fault Divorces should become more popular or even considered too normal. Marriages and working on relationships matter and if they do not work, people should identify why clearly and accept that. Like what you said, maybe Fault Divorce can include emotional abuse and toxic relationships, which could be proven through a counsellor or relationship psychologist. If issues are more openly discussed then even the children and future couples can learn how to identify and work through them (if possible) with more clarity.

      I see where you are coming from, though.

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      1. Re” maybe Fault Divorce can include emotional abuse and toxic relationships, which could be proven through a counsellor or relationship psychologist.”

        I definitely believe that we need to take a good look at Divorces of Fault and work on updating them. As it stands, No-Fault is a much needed option largely because Divorce of Fault (quite unfortunately) doesn’t account for a lot of things which are still problematic; the whole divorce system needs to be overhauled- and that overhaul shouldn’t be “taking away divorce options” (as my state is currently trying to do with No Fault), but should instead be focused on improving the options and the legalities.

        But I do agree that Divorce should definitely not be seen as “the norm”. It should be more accepted (better acceptance means less social stigma, after all)… But it shouldn’t be something we aspire to as “normal” for a marriage. And on that we can certainly both agree.

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      2. I think that’s definitely where our points meet and converge. If that happens then definitely divorce and the way it is looked at is more preventative and if it happens there are measures and classifications.

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  2. I just read some marriage councelor/sex therapist suggest that people would have time-limited relationships with annual development discussion. That’s how bad things are here in northern Europe.

    I have also read that Pareto’s law applies to divorces, too: 20 percent of people have 80 percent of divorces. When you are once divorced, your second marriage is more likely to end up in divorce, too. It seems to me that those 20 percent of people are unable to choose their spouses wisely…

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    1. Oh that’s quite interesting to know! I hope that number does lower even more. Though I have heard of a majority of marriages simply end in divorce..so does that mean most people just avoid marriage?

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  3. Alex,

    My marriage just ended. It wasn’t a short marriage either. I would have done anything to keep my family together, but my wife wasn’t feeling it. She’d totally convinced herself that we were wrong for one another, purely because it wasn’t a constant “honeymoon”.

    I could go into great detail as to why. Some of it is just my personal opinion on the matter. A lot of longstanding issues that were there before she married me. She tried very hard to hide them, but ultimately they consumed her and these things would have impacted her marriage with anyone.

    Certainly, I am not saying that it’s all one-sided, but a person has to be willing to compromise to make it work. She got what she wanted out of marriage (mostly, a child), and was done afterwards. The rest was too hard.

    No-fault gives people an easy way out. It’s a cop-out for those who lack resolve. I would argue that it’s normally the most broken person that uses it as a solution, mainly because they cannot come to grips with their own faults.

    On the stand, I had to bite my tongue when I deeply wanted to argue whether or not it really was irreparable. I don’t think that it truly was, with time, but she was so unwilling to work on things. It hurt me to have to agree that things were really irreconcilable. I think that even the judge felt my pain.

    To “Housewife Indoors”: I’d say that those 20% of people are just the types that will nuke their marriages. There is another large percentage that suffers and deals with it. There is another large percentage with typical problems, but they overcome them. There is lastly another group that is almost perpetually happy, but it’s not as common as Disney would lead the princesses to believe.

    At any rate, my family did last long enough that my child was never in day care, and he gets to spend time with both of his parents. I’m not even sure if I’m going to date any time soon. To be honest. the situation these days is really risky for men. To be honest, I got off a lot easier than many, when it came to my frivorce.

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    1. I’m very sorry this had happened, it seemed there were some core issues that were not dealt with before marriage, yes?

      I definitely believe that in regards to No Fault, combined with modern attitudes about marriages and relationships, it is a bad mix for long and healthy marriages, there’s no encouragement for it.

      Both parties definitely have to work for a marriage and I hope that soon you will recover through the process- I personally witnessed my father at every stage, it is difficult and takes plenty of time.

      It is good your child had a childhood with both parents, for me I had always been thankful for that, due to my age.

      When it comes to marriage, women need to change the most, it is feminism (mostly stemming from women) that started the gender war and the unfairness. Traditional values in relationships, women have become less traditional than men first and in my opinion, worse (men then reacted). Things need to change, starting with women.

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